Things I Learned From My Vacation

I recently spent a week in California at my parents’ house. CJ was there for the first half and I finally got to meet Baby J! I was a very proud and honored aunt when she reached for me to pick her up at the airport.

As with all ventures in my family, this week brought about many learning experiences, the least of being the Great Pee Incident of 2011, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Here are the things I learned from my vacation, in attempted chronological order which is pretty much impossible since the cough syrup with codeine has kicked in wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

1)  My dad, in an understandable attempt to be frugal, in no way grasps the fact that I work the evening shift and therefore must pull an all-nighter to be at the airport by 5 am. 

2)  My dear friend, Pauline (aka Aspiringmama), is not a cheap date. Nor does she, or will she EVER, make said 5 am trip out of the goodness of her heart.

3)  I had to bribe her with a baby blanket and 2 orders of grape leaf rolls.

4)  If you think that’s bad, you don’t want to know how many homemade, gluten-free pizzas I would charge her.

5)  Frontier airline sucks.

6)  Everyone loves Starbucks Dark Chocolate bars. EVERYONE.

7)  I’d rather sleep on the couch in the living room than in my grandma’s closet.

8)  My parents accidentally call one of their cats by my name. All the time.

9)  See the resemblance?

10) Everything is blooming in the Central Valley. And I am allergic to ALL of it.

11) Except the cat. She’s good.

12) Nothing can top the farting skunk my mom bought for my dad.

13) With the possible exception of the fart soundboard my boyfriend sent to my dad. Who laughed so hard he was begging me to stop playing it. My mom got him again that night when he got up for a drink of water.

14) Humor! We haz it.

15) California has drive thru ONLY Starbucks. A fact which escaped me until I was out of the mini-van, searching for the non-existent door.

16) They have plenty of windows though. Large, tinted, picture frame windows perfect for mocking the unwary souls lured in by the sudden realization that it is illegal to drive while talking on a cell phone in CA and need to make a caffeinated run for it.

17) Having no one around to affect the awkward parental do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do, my dad has thrown caution and reason to the wind and decided he no longer has to pay stop signs, speed limits, three-car length, cornering speeds safe in a mini-van, hello baby on board and any other standard rule of driving any mind. He is a one man tank safe in his captain’s chair. CJ and I left most of our nails imbedded in the arm rests.

18) My mom just likes to drag race from the stop light.

19) I haven’t seen her lose yet.

20) CJ and I share the same pen and notebook obsession.

21) Our dad couldn’t understand why we needed to go to Target for a notebook and pen when he had a perfectly nice standard notebook back at home. With a plain yellow cardboard cover. And a ballpoint pen.

22) Speaking of genetics, they’ve got nothing on what is destined to be. Baby J is a shoe fiend. Every morning, when she got up, she would shove her feet in my shoes as best possible and clomp around the house in them. My mom tried to give her a box to play with instead. Baby J was not to be deterred from the shoes.

23) I bought her a pair of shoes while we were out shopping. When I showed them to her, she promptly handed the toys in her arms to CJ and reached for the shoes.

24) Tell me she doesn’t belong in our family.

25) Hourglass, by Myra McEntire is made of PURE WIN! If you haven’t pre-ordered it, what are you waiting for?

26) You can’t have my special, autographed copy. Touch it and die.

27) I am the technological one in the family. A skill that in no way helped me change a diaper.

28) Hanging out with my parents is fun. Just don’t tell the teenage me.

29) Frontier airline sucks. When the fact that you need an actual airplane and flight crew for flight schedule months in advance escapes you–for no less than 5 flights–it’s time to hang up your wings. You’re done. Finished.

30) My satisfaction cannot be bought with a $50 voucher. Unless said voucher was for another airline. Like Southwest.

31) It is important to have a litter box in nearly every room when you leave your cats to go on vacation. Especially if they like to play behind the bedroom door and you’ve hired Pauline to cat-sit, but only every few days since cats are self-sufficient. And know how to open the door.

32) Or understand the bathroom rug is only $10 while the mattress is $1500 on a really good Memorial Day Sale.

33) Bonus? I now know how to get several day old cat pee out of a mattress.

34) Poop smell, however, does NOT come out of a comforter. No matter what you use.

35) The Great Pee Incident of 2011 is funny now that I am finally able to sleep in my own bed.

36) Pauline was wise enough to wait until I found it funny to laugh.

37) Gardens of Time on Facebook? Awesome to the power of WIN.

38) Baby J and I both fall asleep when riding in the back seats of cars.

39) Returning to a state rife with wildfires and wind gusts equals instant allergic reaction strong enough to turn into bronchitis. Again.

40) But at least Pauline, her mom and Buttercup are taking me to go get pedicures and our nails done tomorrow. I’m sure she’s thinking she’ll be cashing in on her grape leaves. I’m holding onto the pee card to play at the right exact moment.

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