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How NOT to Avoid Getting Arrested

May 4, 2011

I have always struggled with keeping my mouth shut. In fact, the time I realize I probably shouldn’t say something is about 0.25 seconds AFTER it’s out of my mouth. Hanging there. In the air. For everyone to hear.

I spent a lot of time in detention … or I would have, if I wasn’t so good at talking my way out of trouble. However, there are times when I should have the foresight to not rely on this ability and simply stop talking.

Like when I’m at the courthouse, surrounded on all sides by armed guards.

The day started with me having to wake up early to drive 45 minutes a doctor’s appointment and receiving the news that I may be dealing with The Return of Larry (a sinus obstruction that I had to have surgically removed 2 years ago…I had a contest to name it because life is too short to not make everything funny). However, my doc was hopeful that we’ve caught it in time and she’s sending me to a very good ENT specialist. Whom we both agreed we will call The Dude.

I requested to not return to my previous ENT specialist who did the surgery due to the amount of blood I sneezed all over his white lab coat during one of my post-surgical followup appointments. I’m sure he will feel the same relief as we didn’t really get along too well … and the fact that I told him I wasn’t sorry for the sneezing.

In any case, I left the doctor’s and headed downtown to the courthouse so I could file for divorce. I soon realized there’s no such thing as free parking, and I don’t carry cash due to it’s propensity to find it’s way out of my wallet and into everyone else’s–especially if there are shoes involved. Finally finding a suitable parking garage after hitting an ATM, (which included shooting down the guy trying to sell his 14k gold chain for $20 to everyone in line), I walked the small city block to my destination.

By the time I reached the entrance, I was downright slightly giddy. In a mere 60 days, I would be totally free of the ex, unless Karma finally kicked in and hit him with a bus in the meantime. No? Okay, fine. 60 days then. With this goal firmly set in my mind, I sailed through the doors and came face to face with an x-ray machine for my stuff and a metal detector for me.  No problem, I’d conquered these with no fuss at the airport and I was carrying far less baggage.

Dropping my purse on the scanner, I stepped forward to metal detector and managed to catch the eye of the guard working the x-ray.

Me: “Do I need to take my lighter out of my pocket before I walk through there?”

Female guard: “No, you should be fine.”

Male guard: “Yes, you need to take it out, here I’ll hold it.”

Me: *hands lighter over* “Okay, but I’m watching you so don’t jack my lighter.” *puts two fingers up to eyes and then points them at guard as I’m stepping through the metal detector* “I’ll know if you pocket it.”

Other guard: “Ma’am I need you to step over here.”

Male guard: “Wait, do you have a string on your key chain?”

Me: “No. Sorry, that went out with the 80’s.”

Male guard: “Do you have something in your purse, like a string, that pulls out and retracts.”

Me: “Wait, are you talking about my badge?”

We both dig through my purse and I pull out my work badge attached to a belt clip pulley.

Me: “Is this what you’re looking for?”

Male guard: “Can you please pull that all the way out for me?”

Me: “Sure!” *grasp both ends and yank to expose the string with my eyebrow raised* Now that I understand his reasoning and the weapon he thought I might possess, I was sure I’d have to surrender my badge and collect it on the way out. Kind of like when the teacher takes away your hat and sits in on her desk the entirety of class.

Male guard: “Okay, just needed to make sure it wasn’t metal.”

Me: *snorts* If only I had brought the one that was made with a wire, which my coworkers all lamented that the company had just given me such a weapon. “So you’re not going to confiscate it?”

Male guard: “No, that’s okay.”

Me:  “You’re just going to let me walk into the courthouse with a string garrote?”

Male guard: *laughs and waves me over to get wanded since I apparently had set the metal detector off*

Female guard with wand: “Stand over here please ma’am.”

I go to stand dutifully on the mat in the foyer and watch as she starts to wand me. She bends over to run the wand over my legs, which is where the problem is from in the first place since I’m wearing my ankle corset brace. As she looks up, she tells me to put my arms out. Eager to seem that I am actually trying to comply with all state and federal laws I throw my arms up and out to the side.

And punch a passerby. In. The. Face.

I don’t think you quite understand. Not only did I throw my hands out, she was walking into my arm space unknowingly. It was a head on collision and I staggered her. The poor woman had no chance.

Me: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

Hapless victim: *holds face with both hands, nods and walks away somewhat not in a straight line*

Me: *turns to female guard with wand* “You made me punch that woman in the face! Are you trying to get me arrested? First you guys jack my lighter, then you let me in with a string garrote and finally you coerce me into hitting a passerby!”

All guards at this point have gathered around me and, for the sake of some kind of good Karma I really should have coming my way at this point, they are all laughing. The lady with the wand is kneeling on her mat in tears and the would-be lighter thief is slapping the metal detector guard on the back.

I grabbed my purse and ran.

Funny thing is, when I returned 60 days later for the actual divorce hearing, I wasn’t allowed in that door. They escorted me halfway around the building to go in a different door. And had me go through the metal detector a good arms length away from everyone else.

I can’t wait for my next Juror Summons. Perhaps you should all be setting aside your pennies for bail money.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. NL Gervasio permalink
    May 4, 2011 3:18 am

    *falls over laughing* I completely forgot about you punching someone in the face.

    You need to blog more often, woman!

  2. May 4, 2011 8:47 am

    LMFAO!! I swear to God, we’re related!

  3. Genette permalink
    May 4, 2011 9:18 am

    I accidentally stumbled over your blog via Twitter and I don’t regret it! My word, that is hilarious. How many times are you allowed to register to vote? I think we need to get you on a jury.

  4. Wulfie permalink
    May 4, 2011 9:22 am

    OMFG!! I am NEVER going in public with you!

    This spoken from the voice of someone who was getting in line at a check out when the woman ahead of me flung her arms out for some unknown reason and hit me so hard that she knocked me on my ass and then turned to help but instead elbowed me in the mouth and broke one of my teeth. Yeah….wait…maybe YOU shouldn’t go out in public with me?

    I have started a jar for your future bail fund.

  5. May 7, 2011 5:48 pm

    This is funnier because I heard the story first. And? Remind me never to fly with you. That? Could be bad.

  6. May 10, 2011 11:19 pm

    I LOVED this!!!!! SOOOO funny!’

  7. May 12, 2011 12:41 pm

    That is awesome…LMAO.

  8. September 12, 2011 6:18 am

    I was holding it together until you punched the lady in the face. Good to know there are other people as clumsy as me in the world. 🙂

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