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5 Little Known Facts About CJ Redwine

January 8, 2011

It’s my sister’s birthday today. I wracked my brain for the perfect gift to send her, then remembered the reason I couldn’t think clearly was due to the splitting headache I still had from going through the exact same process for her Christmas present. And, since I outdid myself with that one, I had to switch tactics and go for the old stand-by, home-made present. I heard macaroni art doesn’t ship well and my bubble wrap has all mysteriously lost its bubbles, so I’m going to have to do something radical.

Here is my present to my sister: (drum roll please … preferably using something loud and obnoxious so everyone knows you’re about to read something of dire direness)

5 Little Know Facts About CJ Redwine

1) When CJ was 8, she started and ran her own small business out of our house. She was not only the CEO, but also the artist, writer and procurement manager and file clerk. She produced and owned the copyright on all product. Me? I was her brain storming partner and door-to-door salesman. On very rare occasion, I was allowed to draw the circle and mark the price within on the back of the product.  We would walk the neighborhood, basket in hand, knock on doors and pitch our product. We asked our clients what sort of events they had coming up and then showed them the perfect card for their occasion. Smaller cards with writing only were 5 cents, while larger cards with drawings were 10 cents. CJ sometimes took special orders for 15 cents.

CJ used to have the first dollar she ever made in a plaque on her wall, but I believe her husband, in a mistaken frenzy while wrapping items around the house for Christmas gifts, gave it to the neighbors. Hopefully, they’ll save it and spend it on Princess J’s revamp of the family business.

2) CJ is a master playwright, and has been since a very young age. Utilizing the characters in her arsenal box and the canopy bed as her stage, she put on hours upon hours of extravagant puppet shows that would make Andrew Lloyd Weber himself weep. With her use of Miss Piggy as her MC and the brown bear as the protagonist, she broke racial and societal boundaries in her world-renown adaptation of “Guess Who’s Becoming Dinner.”

3) CJ’s choice of vehicle in high school reflected her quest for world domination all while avoiding the upcoming Zombie Goat Apocalypse. She had a bomb shelter modified to include an engine and wheels. Back seats were optional. Periodic bursts of black plumes out the tailpipe took out the secret services attempting to foil her plans–eliminating the need for high speed chases.

4) Blessed with a sharper tongue than her pen could ever hope to capture, CJ once went toe to toe with the high school principal over a perceived dress code infraction committed by yours truly. They still haven’t found all his pieces and parts.

5) CJ is a trained zap assassin. Since birth. Woe to the man who does not notice her approach in feety pajamas. Trained. Assassin. Sparks of death from her fingertips.

Now that I have revealed more than I ever should have dared, I will be going into hiding. Preferably the Canadian Witness Protection Plan. Navigating ice seems to be CJ’s one weakness, especially in those stilettos.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. January 8, 2011 8:40 am

    *falls over laughing*

    I forgot about Miss Piggy and the brown bear! This is an awesome birthday gift. Of course, there may be retaliation at some point … maybe a truckload of orange Sprees dumped on top of your car?

  2. January 8, 2011 8:47 am

    LOL Happy birthday to CJ 🙂 and awesome post 🙂 #runsawayfromtheassassinofzap

  3. January 8, 2011 11:16 am

    Zap Assassin!!! LOL! Would you hurry up and finish writing your book already? I want to read more of your fabulous funny! Oh – and happy birthday CJ! Congratulations on taking over the world – though I have a feeling your sister helped… 😉


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