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H.C.’s Field Guide to Doppelgangers

December 11, 2010

Recently, I have become terrified of Doppelgangers. Doing what any rational person would at this point, I Googled “doppelganger how to spot.” There was an awful lot of D&D type websites describing the feat of True Seeing, however, since my 20 sided dice are packed away under the bed, nothing stood out as helpful.

This seriously concerned me. Is there truly so little information? Is this their insidious plan? No wonder they have been so successful in their infiltration.

Giving up on the information superhighway, I am returning to the old ways. Relying on past experience and vast intellect, I put together a field guide for the safety of all mankind.

Step One: Ask yourself: “Am I a doppelganger?” If the answer is no, go on to Step Two. If the answer is yes, please go play in traffic – freeway traffic (currently the only known way to destroy a doppelganger).

Step Two: Ask your friends and family: “Are you a doppelganger?” If the answer is no, go on to Step Three. If anyone answers yes, push them into freeway traffic.

Step Three: Ask your boss and co-workers: “Are you a doppelganger?” I’m sure you understand what to do at this point. Although, if your boss gives a no answer, and there are no witnesses, feel free to claim doppelganger!

Now that you have weeded out any doppelgangers close to you, time to focus on the rest of the public. By now, they may be getting suspicious of you, so be sure to carry a can of Raid and a lighter at all times. While this homemade flamethrower will not kill them, it certainly makes them think twice about messing with you.

Step Four: Go to a crowded place, think mall or theater, and yell, “Doppelganger!” Whomever makes a run for it is one. Be sure to come prepared with really large butterfly nets.

Step Five: Set up passwords and security questions with your remaining friends, family and co-workers to ensure that any new doppelgangers are spotted immediately. Make sure you start each conversation with these questions to avoid inadvertently providing information to any infiltrators.

It is imperative that we all work together to stamp out this horrific threat. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a car full of “people” I need to take to the I-10.

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