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A Spectacular Flailure

November 14, 2010

Well, it looks like I won’t be escaping the Zombie Apocalypse any time soon.

I had my plan all mapped out.

Step 1: Live in the middle of nowhere with a roommate who understands that if she pulls any kind of crap that would wind up getting us killed, I’d feed her to the zombies myself. Checked that accomplishment off in May.

Step 2: Stockpile all kinds of every day items that can double as weapons. Canes, crutches, cleavers, condiments…sorry, was on a “c” roll…cans of Raid and lighters (homemade flamethrowers). Check.

Step 3: Perform recon at the local hospitals to see if any weird outbreaks are happening. Seeing as this is an ongoing mission, I’ve been able to complete it on an almost weekly basis thanks to the Gallbladder of Doom and my roommate’s Discs of Dismay.

Step 4: Buy a smattering of 4 inch heels so I not only look good running away from the zombies, I also have a handy-dandy dagger type weapon on my feet. AND this makes my mild shoe obsession a tax write-off. Check.

Step 5: Create a secret list of the people who I don’t mind using as bait to buy me time to get away from said zombies. The ex being at the top of that list. Oh, I guess it’s not so secret now. Fine. I’m just not telling where the body is.

Step 6: Fall at work and bust ankle up so bad I can’t walk. Check

Step 7: Wait a minute…who put Step 6 in and why wasn’t I told?

So. I guess that’s that. Plan B anyone?

Step 1: Buy motorized scooter complete with rocket launchers. Can I get the gadget guy from James Bond over here please?


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6 Comments leave one →
  1. NL Gervasio permalink
    November 14, 2010 10:13 pm

    Screw the motorized scooter! Have Q fix up my ‘lanche instead. LOL Love step 3. *falls over laughing*

  2. November 14, 2010 10:14 pm

    ROFLMAO… you kill me… oh wait… is that on your checklist? LMAO… I hope you feel better soon LoVe!

  3. November 14, 2010 10:18 pm

    ZOMG, LMFAO. Love it! Except for the step 6 part (methinks all flat shoes need to stay away from you.) but the rest is absolute LOVE. ❤ I hope I'm not on the bait list. *sneaks look at said bait list*

  4. Cher permalink
    November 16, 2010 7:37 pm

    You need a new plan…and an exorcist…and some good luck charms…and baby bumpers on everything including the heels of flailing…maybe some bubble wrap for clothing, you can get it in colors now but don’t use it for a hat…that’s for the tin foil.

    Plan B. Recon Ex’s in search of voodoo dolls.

  5. November 20, 2010 4:10 pm

    I didn’t see your tweets about your ankles. I don’t think we are ever on at the same time anymore. As always, you’re hilarious. I hope your ankle heels fast! I’m sorry you got hurt. ((hugs))

  6. November 21, 2010 10:41 pm

    No, no, no. The motorized scooter with rocket launchers is a BAD idea. Why? Um… how many times have you broken your ankle now? Or injured yourself in an equally graceless manner? And you think strapping ROCKET FUEL between your thighs is the answer?

    Unicorn, my friend. The answer to your problem is to find and tame a unicorn. They can outrun the zombies behind them, skewer the zombies in front of them, and, as an added bonus, millions of idiots will stare at you, mouth agape, and will therefore be zombie fodder while you make your (fairly) graceful escape.

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