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It Runs in the Family

May 8, 2010

Recently, I made an emergency trip to CA when my grandma was hospitalized and had to have life-saving surgery. I, of course, dragged my best friend NL Gervasio with me. When we arrived, my grandma was being prepped for surgery, but I had a chance to see her. Mind you, it had been 10 years since I last saw her, and she gave me a small earful about that.

My sister, CJ Redwine, currently sitting in LAX waiting for her connecting flight, called to talk to our grandma who promptly told her I was there and she was glad everyone was coming.

She then said, “I should have tried dying a long time ago.”

You’d think she was Italian, not pure Swede.

She made it through surgery–which surprised the doctors–and started her road to recovery…complete with LOTS and LOTS of painkillers. Oh, and I should probably mention the anesthesia made her dementia worse. So began a near week of my poor friend getting a crash course in 3 generations worth of my family’s humor.

Yes, she’s in therapy now.

Day One After Surgery (AS): Grandma’s lips are cracked and bleeding from all the tubes she’s had shoved into various facial orifices for the past few days. Nurse Ratchet, in her most sincerely patronizing voice: “Oh, what happened here deary.” Grandma, in her most DUH voice: “What do you think happened?”

Day Two AS: Grandma is being visited by my mom, my sister and myself. She asks my sister and I if we’re still in school. We pause, look at one another and blink before telling her we’re not. To which, grandma sighs, “That’s too bad.” Feeling the need to redeem our intellectual standing, I quickly tell her that CJ Redwine has been teaching several online workshops. Grandma’s eyes widen and she clutches the pillow closer to her stomach and groans. My sister bends closer and asks her if she’s okay. Grandma replies, “Just the thought of teaching an online workshop gave me a stomach ache.” As I snicker, CJ says, “You don’t have to teach them.” Grandma counters with, “I don’t want to have to take them either. Well, maybe I should take them and write something.”

Then things took a turn for the worse.

CJ told my grandma she needed to cough as per doctors orders. Me to grandma, attempting to encourage her, “I know it hurts to cough, but you need to do it. I just got over bronchitis.” Grandma proceeds to yell, “WHAT? You have hepatitis?” At this, my mom and sister are doubled over laughing across the room while I’m left trying to keep a straight face as I explain to my grandma that I said BRONCHITIS.

Yes, it is every woman for herself oft times in my family.

Day Four AS (I skipped Day Three due to utter exhaustion): My cousin, NL Gervasio and I are visiting my grandma since I am leaving the next morning. Grandma, who is quite high on pain meds, keeps repeating to me, “If I could just stop floating up on the ceiling.” After about the 10th time, I finally reassured her, “It’s okay, Grandma. I’ll tie a string to you and put you in the next Macy’s Day Parade next to Snoopy.”

Mind you, all this was peppered with many hours spent at home with my mom and CJ Redwine as poor NL Gervasio was subjected to my sister and I arguing about Sweatergate (don’t ask) and throwing insults.

Fast forward to earlier this week when CJ Redwine was hospitalized due to her gallbladder declaring mutiny and going to the dark side.  Thankfully, my brother-in-law had the presence of mind to write down the gems of wisdom eschewing from my sister’s mouth as she was hopped up on pain meds. As you can plainly see, it runs in the family.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some Ambien tweeting to do.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Shawna permalink
    May 9, 2010 10:24 am

    I am so sorry your grandma had to have surgery but glad she’s doing better… and that it gave me an opportunity to see you & NL! : ) I’m sure NL will come away enriched by the experience of you and CJ in tandem… either that or she’s been physiologically damaged forever.:P

    Love you both!

  2. cjredwine permalink
    May 10, 2010 8:14 pm

    Hey! Usually, we CHARGE people to get physiologically (and psychologically) damaged forever. NL got lucky because we like her so we drove her nuts for free.

    • May 12, 2010 12:00 am

      Hey, she still moved in with me after, so she must either have already been irreparably damaged, or she is a sado-masochist. Yeah, I’m not telling which either.

  3. cjredwine permalink
    May 10, 2010 8:14 pm

    Also? You look like the Easter Amoeba.

  4. NL Gervasio permalink
    May 12, 2010 12:00 am

    *ahem* I was nuts long before meeting you two, so it’s gonna take a lot more than what you’ve got. I’m screwed now, though, because I moved in with your sister. LOL

  5. NL Gervasio permalink
    May 12, 2010 12:01 am

    Okay, that was creepy, HC! LMFAO!

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